Kareoke... Rent Style
by Screaming Mimi
Summary: Okay, it's not that lame. I promise. RENT characters do kareoke... some humor is ALWAYS nice.


RENT KAREOKE  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.   
Heh... another bizarre idea. It's just one of those things, ya know?   
The Alphabet City Avant Garde crowded into a small bar in Chinatown.   
Look, I heard this was good. Mark defended when people glared at him. The room was dark and stuffy and a small lit stage was at the front of the room, complete with microphone and everything. The group sat down and ordered drinks.  
Fancy seeing you here. A familiar voice called from the door. Benny.  
What're YOU doing here? Roger said defensivly, stepping ever so slightly in front of Mimi.   
I thought it might be fun. Hey Mimi. Benny said, smiling slyly. Mimi looked away. What? Not even a hi? After what you said the other day--  
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Roger raised his voice and got in Benny's face.  
Nothing... Just--  
I KNOW! Angel said, eager to avoid this scene. Everyone looked to him, apparently just as eager. Long pause. Angel's grin wavered but he kept it going.   
It's okay, honey. Collins said and patted him on the back.   
No, sounds like a good idea to me! Maureen piped up. Everyone turned their glare to her. So who wants to go first?  
Mimi volunteered, noticing his raised fist. Roger paled visibly.   
Uh... no that's okay...  
Oh come on, we all know you can sing! Maureen said.  
Yeah, you'll be good! Angel said enthusiastically. Roger looked at Mark for support but he just gestured to the stage. Roger sighed heavily and shuffled to the stage.  
Alright, you win. He sighed and sang into the microphone.  
_One is the loneliest number  
that you'll ever do  
_Maureen: You can't DO one.  
Joanne: You sick pervert you.  
Mark: Not unless you think like I do.  
Joanne: YOU'RE ALL SICK!_  
Two is can be as bad as one  
It's the loneliest number since the number one  
_Angel: Wait...  
Mimi: Now I feel bad. _  
No is the saddest experience   
You'll ever know  
_Angel: I thought ONE was the saddest.  
Collins: No, that was the loneliest.  
Angel: Oh..._  
Yes, it's the saddest experience you'll ever know  
_All: We heard you the first time._  
Because One is the loneliest number  
that you'll ever do  
_Maureen: Can I not stress this enough?_  
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever know  
_Maureen: There, that's better.   
Joanne: So easy to please.  
Maureen: What's that supposed to mean?_  
It's just no good anymore  
since you went away  
_Mimi: Since when did I leave?  
Benny: Well...  
Mimi: Shut up Benny._  
now i spend my time  
just making rhymes  
_Benny: And not very good ones at that  
All: Shut UP Benny._  
of yesterday  
Because is the loneliest number that you'll ever do  
_**Joanne clamps her hand over Maureen's mouth**_  
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever know  
One is the loneliest number  
One is the loneliest numer  
_Mark: All RIGHT, I get the POINT. _  
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do  
One is the loneliest number much much worse than two  
_Mimi: Well now I feel better._  
One is the number divided by two  
_**long pause**  
Angel: Now I'm ALL confused.  
Collins: Let it go.  
  
The audience applauded and Roger sulked back to his seat. Mimi sat next to him and whispered something in his ear. He perked up slightly.  
I know who will go next. He said.  
And who would this be? Mark replied.  
Mark gaped, then chuckled nervously.   
No, you DON'T want to hear me sing.  
Oh Just GO! Joanne said. Mark took his last walk up to the stage and to the microphone.  
_Unh   
Oh  
_Angel: I know this song! I love this song! **scrambles up to stage**  
Collins: WHAT'S TO KNOW?_  
Unh  
Check it out  
Angel:**I like this**  
To all the ladies in the place with style and grace  
Allow me to lace these lyrical dishes in your bushes  
_Maureen: **in hysterics**_  
Who rock grooves and make moves with all the mommas  
_Roger: Um... not you?  
_ The back of the club  
Sipping my wet is where you'll find me  
Angel:**what?**  
The back of the club macking ho's   
_Mimi: Why don't I think of Mark like this?  
Roger: LOOK AT HIM!_  
My crew's behind me  
Question asking  
Blunt passing  
Music blasting  
_Mimi: Nor do I think of him as doing drugs.  
Roger: To be honest, I don't think he's seen a blunt, let alone smoked one._  
But i just can't quit  
Because one of these honeys Biggie got the creep with  
Sleep with  
Keep the f a secret  
_Maureen: God, yes. I would think the girl would treasure her reputation too much._  
Why not?  
Why blow up my spot  
Cause we both got hot  
_Collins: I'm not even going to ask what exactly you hold.  
Everyone else: Good._  
Now check it  
I got more mack than Craig in the bed  
_Roger: Craig?  
Mimi: Who's Craaaiiiiig?_  
Now believe me sweetie  
I got a enough to feed the needy  
_Roger: Well here's a brillant idea, Mark...  
Collins: Feed US!_  
No need to be greedy  
I got mad friends with benzes  
_Maureen: Benny, what kinda--oh wait, you're not a friend.  
Benny: Funny._  
Cinos by the layers True fucking playaz  
Jump in the rover And come over  
Tell your friends jump in the Jeep and three  
I got the chronic by the three cause  
_Angel: **getting into it* _I love it when you call me big Poppa  
_Collins: What's this? **takes notes**_  
Throw your hands in the air  
If yous a true playa  
_**everyone waves their hands back and forth**_  
_Angel:_*I love it when you call me big poppa**  
To the honeys getting money playin niggaz like dummies  
_Angel:_**I love it when you call me big poppa**  
You got a gun up in your waist please don't shoot up the place  
_Roger:_Why?  
_All: You have a GUN?!?  
Roger... no but I was playing along_  
Cause I see some ladies tonite that should be having my baby  
_Maureen: **ducks behind seat** DEAR GOD!_  
Straight up honey really I'm asking  
Most of these niggaz think they be macking but they be actin  
Backed up with that line What's your name what's your sign?'  
_Benny: Hey, I use that line._  
Soon as he buy that wine I just creep up from behind  
And ask you what your interests are Who you be with  
Things that make you smile What numbers to dial  
You gonna be here for a while?  
_Maureen: Mark, I never knew you were such a stalker. _  
I'm a gon' call my crew you call your crew  
We gon' rendez-vous at the bar around two  
Plans to leave throw the keys the little c's  
Pull up the truck and roll up the next blunt   
So we can steam on the way to the telly   
_Roger: What is with the whole drug thing?  
Maureen: Yeah, Mark can barely handle a beer, let alone get high._  
Gon' fill my belly  
A t-bone steak, cheese, eggs and welch's grape  
_Mimi, Joanne, Angel, Maureen: Mark, I hate you.   
Roger, Benny, Collins: WHY?  
Mimi, Angel, Joanne, Maureen: He eats that and he looks like THAT!  
Mimi: **imitating Mark** I have fat, here let me find some.  
Maureen: **doing same** OOO here's some! No, wait, that's skin._  
Conversate for a few  
Cause in a few we gonna do what we came to do  
Innit that right boo?  
_Angel:_True  
_Collins: STOP THAT!_  
Forget the telly  
We just go to the crib  
and watch a movie in the jacuzzi and smoke l's while you do me  
_Roger: Last time I checked, we didn't have a jacuzzi. Or a tv. Or hot water. _  
_  
Mark stopped... abruptly.   
What's that about? Maureen asked.  
Yeah, I was just gettin' into it. Angel complained, pouting slightly.  
That was about as long as Roger's song. I don't have to do any more. He said matter of factly and sat back down again. Everyone looked at eachother for a moment. Well, everyone except Angel and Collins who were at their favorite activity.  
Well... who wants-- Mimi started.  
Benny, looking rather confident, strode up to the stage and stood in front of the microphone.  
That solves that... Mimi said under her breath.  
  
_Riding on the range  
I ve got my hat...  
On  
_Roger: Congratulations._  
I've got my boots...  
_Maureen: On the wrong feet._  
Dusty  
_Mark: From what? Muffy keeps your house immaculate._  
I've got my saddle  
On my horse  
He's called  
T t t t t t trigger  
Of course  
_All: Of course._  
I wanna be a cowboy  
**To Mimi**And you can be my cowgirl  
_Roger: Back off punk._  
I wanna be a cowboy  
And you can be my cowgirl  
_Roger: **steaming**_  
I wanna be a cowboy  
_ Roger jumps to his feet and grabs the wig from Angel's head.  
Angel calls angrily back at him and smiles to the other shocked patrons. He starts to go after Roger, but Collins pulls him back and kisses him passionatly.   
Meanwhile, Roger puts the wig on and jogs up to the stage. He starts the next verse in a falsetto voice._  
Riding on the chuck  
Wagon  
Following my man   
*Roger flutters his eyelashes at Benny*  
His name is Ted  
Can you believe that?  
_Mimi and Maureen: **in appropriate ditzy voices** OH MY GAWWWD!_  
_Mark, Collins, Angel:_**Ted, Oh Ted, Fighting off Danger**  
Camping on a prarie  
Wreaks havoc with my hair  
**Roger twirls hair on the wig**  
_Angel: Gentle with that._  
Makes me feel quite dirty  
_**Roger smiles seductively**  
_Though we all do sometimes  
_He jumps offstage and hands the wig to Angel, who puts it back on, and sits next to Mimi. Benny, determined to finish, carries on._  
I wanna be a cowboy  
**points to Mimi**And you can be my cowgirl  
I wanna be a cowboy  
*Roger jumps in front of Mimi so Benny ends up pointing to him**  
And you can be my cowgirl  
I wanna be a cowboy  
_Roger: Yeah, you forget your cowgirl._  
Looking like a hero  
_All: BAHAHAHAHAH!  
Benny: Shut up!_  
Six gun at my side  
Chewing my tobacco  
_Mark: Or Orbit gum._  
Out on the horizon  
The sea of purple smoke  
Indians on the warpath  
_Collins:_**White man speaking with forked tongue, isn't it**  
_Benny: **raising an eyebrow**_Or not  
I wanna be a cowboy  
**Roger shoves Angel in front of Benny's finger**  
And you can be my cowgirl  
**Benny quickly pulls his hand down**  
I wanna be a cowboy  
Yippee yippee yi yippee yo yo yo  
My name is Ted  
And one day  
I'll be dead yo yo  
_All: YES!  
  
Nobody applauded for Benny, but rather laughed hysterically. Joanne stood when the laughter had died down.  
Maureen asked quizzically.  
I might as well get this over with. She strode to the stage and took her stand behind the microphone, emotionless.  
_La la la la   
_Angel: Well this is... um... impressive._  
This is my stop  
got to get off  
I may go pop  
_Mark: **cackles evilly**  
Maureeen: Give it UP Mark._  
Excuse me  
Excuse me  
I've got to be direct  
_Collins: Well there's something new._  
If I'm wrong please correct  
_Maureen: I'd like to see someone try._  
You're standing on my neck  
You're standing on my neck  
_Roger: Oh... I'll keep that in mind._  
You're standing on my neck  
La la la la   
La la la la  
La la la la  
_Angel: Well that was...  
Mimi: I believe surreal is the word you're looking for.  
  
Joanne calmly sat back down next to Maureen. Everyone stared at her. She inquired. Everyone raised an eyebrow in unison and then looked away. Collins, who had downed a few drinks by now, felt his confidence improve. He grinned to Angel and made his way up to the stage.  
_Turn me on   
Turn me on  
Turn me on  
Turn me on  
Oh baby  
Listen to this  
_Roger: After an opening like that, I'm not sure I want to._  
Spy on me baby  
Use a sateliette  
Infrared   
See me move through the night  
Aim gonna fire  
Shoot me right  
_Mark: This is vaguely violent, no?  
All: Jawohl._  
I'm gonna like the way you fight  
Now you find the secret code I use  
To wash away my lonely blues  
_Maureen: **slightly bored** oh baby._  
So I can't deny or lie  
Cause you're the only one to make me fly  
You know what you are You're a  
Sex bomb Sex bomb  
You're my sex bomb  
_**Angel blushes thirty shades of red and slithers down underneath the table**_  
you can give it to me when i need to come along  
_Mark: I bet he can._  
Sex bomb Sex bomb  
You're my sex bomb  
_Mimi: Collins, I hate to break it to you, but I don't think Angel wants to be your sex bomb._  
And you baby you can turn me on  
Now don't get me wrong  
Ain't gonna do you no harm  
This bomb's for lovin'  
_All: Good. I think._  
You can shoot it far  
I'm your main target  
_Angel: **mortified** No... no you're not._  
Come and help me ignite  
Love struck and holding you tight  
Hold me tight darlin'  
Let me explode although you know  
The route to go to sex me so  
_Roger and Mark: **holding ears** LALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU_  
and yes i must react to claims of those  
who say you are not all that  
_Angel: EXCUSE ME?  
Mimi: And who have you been talking to that says that?  
Angel: I would hope you would defend me. **crosses arms and huffs**_  
Sex bomb Sex bomb  
You're my sex bomb  
You can give it to me baby when I need to come along  
_Benny: HAH! NOT ANYMORE!_  
Sex bomb Sex bomb  
You're my sex bomb  
And baby you can turn me on  
_Benny: YOU LOSE! **all smack Benny**_  
You can give me more and more and count it up the score  
Yeah you can turn me out upside down and inside out  
You can make me feel the real deal  
_Angel: Not after that last comment._  
And I can give it to you anytime because Oh my  
_Angel: I repeat: No you can't._  
Who says that you're not all that?  
_Angel and Mimi: YOU apparently.  
  
Collins jumps offstage and runs to Angel, who spurns him. I'm sorry Angel Baby, it's part of the song, you know I don't mean it.  
I would certainly hope not. Angel turned his back to Collins.  
I love you.  
  
Desperate to break the tension, Mimi dashed to the stage.  
  
_Sometimes I feel I've got to   
_All: BOM BOM_  
Run away  
I've got to  
_All: BOM BOM_  
Get away  
frm the pain you drive into the heart of me  
_Angel: Interesting relationship they have.  
Collins: Indeed.  
Angel: Shut up you._  
The love we share   
Seems to go nowhere  
_Benny: I agree.   
Roger: I'm even going to say it._  
And I've lost my light  
For i toss and turn I can't sleep at night  
Once I ran to you  
Now I run from you  
_Mark: To be honest, I would run from Roger too.  
Roger: Don't you start._  
This tainted love you've given  
I give you all a boy could give you  
_All: Boy?  
Mimi: YOU GET THE IDEA!_  
Take my tears and that's not nearly   
Ohhhh Tainted love  
Tainted love  
_Maureen and Angel: You go Girl!  
Everyone else: ... Right._  
Now i know I've got to  
Run away  
_Mark, Roger, Maureen: **imitating monty python** RUN AWAY!_  
i've got to   
Get away  
_Maureen: Noooo... geeet awayyyy..._  
you don' t want really want any more from me to make things right  
_Collins: **chuckling** Oh I think he wants plenty.  
Angel: I told you be quiet._  
You need someone to hold you tight  
And you think love is to pray  
_Mark: In all the time I've known Roger, praying is not one of the things he does._  
but I'm sorry I dont pray that way  
once I ran to you  
now I run from you  
This tainted you've given   
I give you all a boy could give you  
Take my tears and thats not nearly  
_Joanne, Maureen: YOU MALE CHAUVINIST PIG!  
Roger: Sheesh._  
ohhh  
Tainted love  
Tainted love  
Don't touch me please  
I cannot stand the way you tease  
_Mark: I repeat, I've never known Roger to tease._  
I love you though you hurt me so  
Now I'm gonna pack my things and go  
tainted love  
tainted love  
tainted love  
tainted love  
Touch me baby tainted love  
_Angel: STOP CONTREDICTING YOURSELF!  
  
Mimi looked rather pleased with herself as she stepped down from the stage. She returned to her seat with Roger and he sneered at her.  
Oh come on, your song was worse. Angel, who had been thinking through most of song, smiling smugly to himself.  
I would like.... If I may...  
NO YOU MAY NOT! Came the hoardes of Rocky Horror fans. Angel jumped and looked at them, horrified. Uh... To sing my song? He continued bravely.   
Be my guest. Mark said.  
To Collins. Angel smirked and gestured to Collins, who shrunk down in his seat prematurely.  
_I'd appreciate your input  
Sweat baby sweat baby sex is a Texas drought  
Me and you do the kinda stuff that only Prince would sing about  
_Roger: AIIEEEEE!   
Mark: Purple raiiiii-- OH YUCK!_  
So put your hands down my pants   
And I bet you feel nuts  
_Benny: I'd rather not, thank you.  
Mark: Yeah, I'll take your word on it._  
Yes I'm Siskel Yes I'm Ebert and you're getting two thumbs up  
You've had enough of two hand touch   
_Maureen: Which would leave...?  
Joanne: Don't think about it... please God don't think about it...  
Maureen: **revelation** OH!... interesting..._  
You want it rough you're out of bounds  
I want you smothered  
Want you covered   
_Mimi: Well, that's sort of touching... Like their song...  
Roger: Give it up Mimi._  
Like my waffle house hash browns  
Comin' quicker than fed ex  
Never reachin apex  
_All: HAHAHAHAH!  
Collins: I'm never living this down._  
Like coca cola stock you are inclined  
To make me rise an hour early just like day light savings time  
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the  
Discovery Channel  
_Mark: You guys GET the discovery channel?  
Maureen: Mark....  
Mark: What?  
Maureen: That was lame. L A M E._  
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the  
Discovery Channel  
_Roger: Mark?  
Mark: Yes?  
Roger: Don't film them.  
_Love   
The kind you clean up with a mop and bucket  
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt only God knows where we stuck it  
_All: **looking perplexed, then dawning relization**  
Mimi: My, you guys are... adventurous._  
Hieroglyphics let me be specific I wanna be down in your south seas  
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means  
Small Craft Advisory  
_All: AHAHHAHA!  
Angel... shut up.  
_So if I capsize in your thighs   
HIgh Tide  
B-5  
You sunk my battle ship   
Please turn me on I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip  
so show me yours I'll show you mine  
Tool Time  
You'll lovett just like Lyle  
_Maureen, Mimi, Joanne: Ew... Lyle Lovett... Ew..._  
Then we'll do it doggy style  
_Mark: *considering this* How else COULD you do it?  
Maureen: Well...  
Mark: Oh yes, that's true.  
Joanne: I cannot believe that I'm listening to this._  
So we can both watch X-Files  
_Collins: **under his breath** or trading spaces..._  
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the  
Discovery Channel  
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the  
Discovery Channel  
_The group stared at Angel with a wide eyed shock. He looked non plussed.  
What? It's not like Collins' was any better... They continue to stare. Angel continued as straddled Collins. Now we're even. And they proceeded._  
_ Maureen, taking this initiative, decided it was.. HER turn.  
God help us all... Joanne muttered under her breath.  
  
_Are you tired of hanging out in your   
car and getting sweated by the boys in blue?   
_Collins: No... because I don't have a car. But if I did, sure._  
Tired of getting shot by your best friend and not recieving   
any medical attention cause of lack of insurance?   
_Mark: **eyeing Roger** because you KNOW how often that happens to me._  
If these are a few problems that plague you and your friends  
this november when you go up that ballot box and you see the proposition marked   
"fuck you", you know what to do  
  
Tired of the boyz in blue  
running up on your crew  
_Angel: DAMN THEM COPS_  
you know what to do  
Tell em FUCKYOU!   
_All: YES! _  
Its a proposition, FUCK YOU   
FUCK YOU, its a proposition   
_Benny: I suppose._  
  
Hangin' on back in the streets wit your peeps   
smokin' weed  
drinkin' brew  
you ain't got a clue  
_Roger: Sure I do.  
Mimi: ... Just let it go._  
fuck you, Its a proposition   
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU its a proposition   
  
Step in to ballot box  
blowing up the mutha fuckin' spot, tired of   
these cops, tired of these judges, tired of the rules,   
waitin' til the day to tell em all FUCK YOU!   
_Benny: I'm feeling strangely... angry.  
Joanne: **to self** shut up, Maureen... shut up..._  
Playin' two, because it ain't enough, got the boyz in blue,   
still roughin' me up, on the T.V. news still talking it up  
never thought Tommy Lee could be fuckin' it up   
_Angel and Mimi: Tommy Lee... Hilfiger?  
Roger: No, no, no...  
Mark: Tommy Lee who gave Pamela Anderson the white trash rocker fetish  
Angel and Mimi: Oh..._  
Methods of Mayhem, filthy and Dutch  
_Collins: DUTCH?  
Roger: Isn't dat VEIRD? **kudos if you can guess which movie that is**  
Mark: That's so random. I don't associate Badasses with Dutch people._  
I walk up in your party and I'm spikin' the punch  
_Joanne: That's so you Maureen._  
if you've had enough, you know what to do, VOTE YES! On proposition fuck you!   
_All: WELL DUH!_  
Tired of the boyz in blue, running up   
on your crew, you know what to do...Tell em FUCK   
YOU! Its proposition, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU, its a   
proposition   
_Angel: Ready, let's count how many times you can say fuck in one song.   
Mimi: GO!_  
hangin' on back in the streets wit   
your peeps smokin' weed, drinkin' brew, you ain't   
got a clue, FUCK YOU, its a proposition   
_Mimi: ONE! Well, not really but that's close enough._  
Filthee, Tommy Lee, steppin' casually,   
middle finger in the air for everybody to see  
obviously you havent read over my proposition, fuck you collectivly   
_Mimi: Two...  
Mark: She's taking after you Joanne.  
Joanne: ..._  
be runnin' the opposition, opposition, proposition upon exposure,   
our prediction, stop your bitchin' we takin' over, I told ya,   
we more like pottery, stop the monopoly  
_Angel: I LOVE MONOPOLY!  
Collins: Why it's deja vu all over again.  
Angel: You don't like just because you always have to be wheelbarrow._  
we turn around   
nigga's that burn learn to do it properly   
Tired of the boyz in blue, running up   
on your crew, you know what to do...Tell em FUCK   
YOU! Its a proposition, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU, its a   
proposition   
_Mimi: Such profanity.  
Roger: You should talk.  
Mimi: Oh?_  
hangin' on back in the streets wit   
your peeps smokin' weed  
_Mark: GIVE IT UP! I DON'T SMOKE!  
All: I KNEW IT!  
_drinkin' brew, you ain't got a clue FUCK YOU FUCK YOU, its a proposition   
_Collins: Well fuck me!_  
  
Go on take away wellfare, medicare, start riots   
everywhere, my style she could need some healthcare   
Well prepared, proposition fuck you, ammunition fuck you,   
gotta bud a crew, who da farmers? house senate takin' over congress,   
show em how to keep it on this passive judgement, passin' on   
the government, no paper-greencard, by law we rock hard,   
HIP HOP rock stars, collauge, i borrow street, hoods and guns,   
take em goods and run, gettin' naked for fun, give ya food to bluff,   
so spark another blunt, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU, Its a PROPOSITION!   
_All: **dancing on the tables, rioting and such**_  
Tired of the boyz in blue, running up   
on your crew, you know what to do...Tell em FUCK   
YOU! Its a proposition, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU, its a   
proposition   
_All: DOWN WITH THE COPS DOWN WITH THE COPS_  
I've had it up to here with rules, face plastered prime time  
headline, on T.V. news, FUCK YOU!   
_All: **to benny** FUCK YOU BENNY_  
Its proposition, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU, its a proposition  
_All: DOWN WITH THE FUZZ!_   
  
_ROCK ON! Mark shouted. Jesus, now I'm inspired!  
Joanne inquired.  
I'm gonna sing ANOTHER SONG!  
I'm sorry I asked. Joanne muttered, burying her face in her hands.  
  


_ A/N: And so I set up for a sequel. Suggestions are welcome WHEN you review *g* _


End file.
